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23 March 2007 @ 12:29 am
Fic: Special Heritage (1/1) Jonathan Kent, Martha Kent (rated teen)  
Special Heritage

Fandom: Superman (any 'verse, really but I'm imagined Smallville's John Schneider and Annette O'Toole talking while I wrote it)
Characters: Jonathan Kent, Martha Kent
Rating: Teen (for extensive but scientific references to anatomy that your average teenager knows about anyway)
Word Count: 1047
Summary: Martha realises something else is different about the little boy they found in the spaceship. Jonathan can't quite see why this is a problem unless, of course, the little boy has to pee in a urinal. I'm a biologist, okay? Anatomy & physiology class plus the general crack that my brain churns up result in things like this.
Disclaimer: If it was mine, I'd've brought this up a long time ago. As it is, everything belongs to DC via the brainchild of Seigel & Schuster.



"Jonathan, do you think we could apply basic childcare to an alien baby?"

Jonathan Kent rubbed his chin, the rasp of his whiskers providing a welcome distraction to the problem before him, mainly the three-or-four year old scooting on his bare bottom on the kitchen floor. Nothing they had fit the little tyke and he'd somehow discarded Jonathan's oldest flannel shirt and the equally ancient undershirt that had served as a diaper. They would have been more worried about bruising or splinters if he hadn't broken a pair of scissors by jabbing them in his foot.

"He took to formula well enough," said Jonathan.

It took all of Martha's strength to keep from rolling her eyes. "That's just the thing. Babies shouldn't like bovine formula. It should upset his digestive system and give him the runs."

"What do you want me to say? We're lucky he eats at all instead of... I don't know photosynthesizing."

The baby-- more of a toddler really-- grabbed a porcelain hula dancer, sniffed it heavily then happily crunched the little painted figurine between his chubby cheeks. He cooed a few liquid, nasal syllables as he chewed.

"I hope he's not asking for more," said Martha.

"At least now we know what to do with all the knick knacks my cousins sends us," Jonathan said.

"I did hate that figurine," Martha admitted. "But that's beside the point. We can hide his eating habits by claiming allergies but once he goes to school, how are we going to explain this?"

"This" was the little boy's genitalia. If the spaceship in the storm cellar wasn't enough proof of the child's... origins, his anatomy clinched it.

Jonathan rubbed his neck. "I don't see what's wrong with it."

"Don't see-- Jonathan, he has retractable testicles!"

"Human testes do that."

"Human testes aren't cone-shaped. Human testes don't come individually wrapped in their own scrotal sacs. Human testes do not number four!" Martha put her hands on her hips. "Don't you dare smile like you had anything to do with that."

But Jonathan couldn't stop grinning. "Might explain why he can lift a truck."

Martha threw her hands up. "Men and their packages."

"A father can't be proud of his son's accomplishments?"

As though understanding Jonathan's words, the little boy jumped off the couch and toddled to the nearest pot of begonias where he squatted and voided his bladder, blissful relief plain on his face.

"Martha, two of his testicles are retracting."

"Thank goodness! That solves one prob-- wait, they're coming out agai-- now, the other two are retracting. I wonder if he can control it."

"He'd better learn if he wants to use public urinals," said Jonathan. "Maybe we can get a doctor to sew them together."

Martha frowned. "I don't know. He seems too little to undergo surgery."

The force of the baby's bodily function tipped the begonias over.

"Then again, maybe not. Why are you snickering?" asked Martha.

"I was just remembering Leslie Ross' story about how Peter managed to... urinate all over her face one time she changed his diaper. Can you imagine if that stream hit your face?"

"It would be like getting a garden hose in the face and don't you even think about laughing out loud, Jonathan, you are going to the next church social in a suit, I swear on my soul."

"Oh, Martha, I can't help it. He's just so... gifted."

"As a woman, if I ever saw four testicles and a-- let's see, accounting for adult growth and any other, uh, growth-- Jonathan, this boy could have a foot long penis as an adult!"

It couldn't be helped. Jonathan collapsed, howling and clutching his stomach as laughter pelted out.

Martha tapped a foot on the floor.

"I'm sorry, dear," he said, wiping his eyes. "But of all the problems we're going to face-- the forged papers, the spaceship, the superstrength-- I can't help but wonder why you're worried about his genitals."

Sighing, Martha admitted, "I don't know why either. Do you think we're doing the right thing?"

Jonathan squeezed her shoulders. "What do you mean?"

"What if we can't take care of him properly? What if he gets sick or worse because we don't have the right things to feed him? I mean, it could be the pigment in the hula dancer, not the porcelain. What if we poison him because we're trying to get him to eat his spinach?"

The lines bracketing Jonathan's frown deepened. "Are you saying you don't want to keep him after all?"

She bit her lip. "I want him more than anything. He's so precious; I can tell even though we've only had him for a week. But I also want what's best for him."

As one, they turned their heads to watch the boy. He'd finished his business and was now tiptoeing around some of the fallen begonia petals. With one deep pink lip protruding in a pout, he tried to press the petals back on its denuded stem. When that failed, he inspected the petals themselves but his still-clumsy fingers and his strength turned them into red smears.

The baby's lip trembled. Arms outstretched, he called out to the two adult humans. "Taya? Taya? Yana?"

"Is he asking for us?" asked Jonathan.

Martha threw him an upset look over her shoulder; she was already at the baby's side. "Of course he's calling us." she said, lifting he boy in her arms. "He's probably afraid that he'll get into trouble for making a mess, aren't you, darling?"

The baby sat stiff in her arms for a second, studying her face with brilliant blue eyes. Then he tucked his head in the crook of her neck and mumbled, "Yana," sleepily into her shoulder. "My yana."

"What do you think that means?" asked Martha.

"Well, he's hugging you, isn't he?" Jonathan shrugged. "I figure, it means 'mom'."

Martha's eyes went bright and she covered the boy's head with kisses. She was never going to let the boy go now, Jonathan reflected. Not that he minded, really.

"I bet 'taya' means, dad," she said.

This time, she didn't comment on the face-splitting grin on Jonathan's face. "Dad," he said softly. "I could get used to that." Then, in a more serious tone: "I'm going to have to teach him to pee."

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st_aurafinast_aurafina on March 23rd, 2007 10:51 am (UTC)
OMG! That was adorable (and funny!), and the best evidence that the Kents are great parents. I loved the alien anatomy, and the practical way that the Kents were planning to deal with it. And Jonathon teaching Clark how to pee? So funny and lovely.
Kattxenokattz on March 23rd, 2007 04:28 pm (UTC)
Thanks! I'm glad you liked this weird brain-fart produced by too many hours of studying (see: comment by lilacsigil below). The Kents have always struck me as pretty easy-going; they'd have be to raise a baby like Clark.

Thanks again!
lilacsigil: everybody liveslilacsigil on March 23rd, 2007 11:54 am (UTC)
You've been studying a little too long, haven't you? This was awesome and so very practical! Baby Clark eating figurines! Bits of his language still remaining! Jonathan and Martha are fantastic, pragmatic people, and they know what's more important than biology.

Wonderful!
Katt: instant humanxenokattz on March 23rd, 2007 04:36 pm (UTC)
How did you guess? *L*

Also, I'm surrounded by little cousins, one of whom seems to have the destructive quality of a baby Kryptonian. We figure he's broken more figurines, toys and home accessories in one year than any of the older 4 have in all their lives and yet somehow, he's still the cutest thing ever. *L*

The Superman mythos attributes much of Clark's empathy and sense of justice to the Kent. I have no idea what this fic says about that except that Kents never make fun of abnormal physiology.
Rat Creature: alienratcreature on March 23rd, 2007 12:06 pm (UTC)
Heh, this was funny. I noticed a couple of typos and missing words though, like:

Human testes don't some individually
is probably "don't come", and

"What if we can't take of him properly?
is probably "take care of him".
Kattxenokattz on March 23rd, 2007 04:37 pm (UTC)
Oh thank you for pointing them out! This is what I get for editing at midnight *facepalm*

Glad you liked it despite the typos.
katarikkatarik on March 23rd, 2007 03:22 pm (UTC)
That is *ridiculously* cute. Wee baby Clark! Jonathan! Martha snark!

And ratcreature already mentioned the typos, so I won't.

N'awwwww. THEM.
Katt: Jason's familyxenokattz on March 23rd, 2007 04:39 pm (UTC)
*L* Glad you liked it. Really, there's nothing cuter than weeeee baby Clark when grown-up Clark is already devastating; ;)

Thanks for the review.
(Deleted comment)
Katt: Jason's familyxenokattz on March 23rd, 2007 04:40 pm (UTC)
Thank you muchly! Glad it gave you giggles.
(Deleted comment)
Katt: Jason's familyxenokattz on March 23rd, 2007 06:09 pm (UTC)
Lex would probably think something along the lines of "Thank God for nannies". *L*

Thanks so much! I'm happy you liked it.
adn_heming: ROTFLOL!  (Tim Sale)adn_heming on March 23rd, 2007 10:22 pm (UTC)
There are not enough baby-Clark and Kents-dealing-with-alien-baby-fics in the world. This was adorable and very Kent-ish. <3
Katt: Jason's familyxenokattz on March 24th, 2007 08:16 pm (UTC)
There really aren't enough baby!Clark stories. This is intrinsically wrong. I hereby issue a challenge to all Superman fans to write baby!Clark stories because raising a human child is kooky enough; raising an alien one is sitcom GOLD.
Sara: Daddy's Girllady_sarai on March 24th, 2007 03:15 am (UTC)
Oh! Oh, and oh. You see, the crazed studying and biology eating of your brain is not necessarily a bad thing. Because if it results in things like this, how can it be?

I was giggling madly throughout the entire thing, and then! And then Clark called them Mom and Dad and I turned into the oozing pile of watery cream of wheat you see in the corner.

BECAUSE OMG SO DAMN CUTE! *mad, mad, crazy mad love for baby!Clark* Guh. The Parent-child interaction will apparently never cease to make me melt.

How, with all my new icons, do I not have a Superman one? Huh. Although that reminds me--the Bar should have an icon. ;)
Katt: Rogue - Xxenokattz on March 24th, 2007 08:20 pm (UTC)
If nothing else, I got a baby@Clark fic out of these damned mad study sessions. *L* Did I mention that parent-child interactions were my fic-kink as well? *points and your Roy & Lian icon and melts*

The bar SHOULD have an Icon. Y'know, what? I'm gonna HTML fu a a little something-something today and then we'll see what we can do about this lack of Bar icons
Enderenderwiggin24 on March 26th, 2007 09:07 pm (UTC)
very cute!
Katt: Jason's familyxenokattz on March 26th, 2007 10:45 pm (UTC)
Thank you!
Ryo: BabyClarklittlepunkryo on May 7th, 2007 04:40 am (UTC)
I can't tell you how many times I giggled. I can imagine Jonathan being totally proud of his alien baby's...specialness. I love baby!Clark fics, so this really made me happy.
Katt: Supers: Symbol of Hopexenokattz on May 7th, 2007 09:27 pm (UTC)
eeeeeeeeeee! Baby!Clark icon!

*coughs*

Thanks ever so. Glad you can stand the strange places my brain travels. ;)
trascendenza: Superman - Clark - Checktrascendenza on June 26th, 2007 06:11 pm (UTC)
"Oh, Martha, I can't help it. He's just so... gifted."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Man, I don't know how I missed this fic. But it is GOLD. Pure hilarious alien!baby awesome GOLD.

YOU WIN AT FUNNY.
Katt: Supers: Kon's soulxenokattz on June 26th, 2007 09:43 pm (UTC)
Heee! Thanks! Chalk this one up to too many nights studying anatomy and physiology.
seacrystal on June 22nd, 2008 12:01 pm (UTC)
And this is the kind of story that makes me want to throw something at Smallville's PTB. It's just a crime to have flashbacks of Clark's life as a child to be shown in just what, one episode? Dedicating more time to Lex and Ollie instead. Bah!

*hugs this fic tightly*
Kattxenokattz on June 22nd, 2008 08:16 pm (UTC)
Wouldn't a Jonathan & Martha series be just brilliant? They must have a billion and one stories to tell after raising an alien baby.

Thanks for the review!